by Enid Jackowitz, MA, LMHC
1. Along with many other feelings you may be experiencing, there is usually
a huge loss of expectations. Like many parents, you may feel the
dreams you had for your child will never materialize. That may be
true, but given time, new ones will take their place. Give yourself permission
to acknowledge your feelings and to grieve for the loss of
your expectations.
2. Read a lot. To help you understand the process that many parents go
through read, The Rest of the Way: A Coming Out Story for Parents
and Gay Children. If you are having trouble resolving religious issues,
read Mel White’s book, Stranger at the Gate: To Be Gay and Christian
in America, The Good Book, by Peter Gomes, or one of Rev John
Shelby Spong’s books, especially Living in Sin?: A Bishop Rethinks
Human Sexuality and Rescuing the Bible from Fundamentalism: A
Bishop Rethinks the Meaning of Scripture. To answer questions you
may have about homosexuality, read Is it a Choice, by Eric Marcus.
These books will help you understand that:
Your son or daughter did not choose to be gay.
It is not your fault that your child is gay.
There’s nothing wrong with your child, but there is something
wrong with our homophobic society.
3. You may be having difficulty accepting your child’s sexual orientation,
that’s normal, but don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Remember you are still family and that will never change. Don’t let
your child’s coming out come between you. Let the love you have for
him or her be a bridge to a stronger, more loving relationship.
4. If your child wants you to “get over it” and be more accepting, let him
or her know that the same way it took time for them to become comfortable
with being gay, now you need time to work through your issues
as well. This isn’t easy for you. Ask for their patience.
5. There’s a saying that when kids come out of the closet their parents go
into the closet. If you are stuck in the closet find a support group or
find a good therapist. Don’t isolate yourself. Go to a PFLAG meeting
(Parents, Family, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). The parents at
PFLAG know what you’re going through. They went through it too.
They will answer many of your questions and concerns in a nonjudgmental
and confidential atmosphere.
6. Don’t let your child being gay be the unspoken elephant in the room.
Your child wants you to be part of his or her life. Don’t shut the door
to real communication. Try listening to your child with the ears of
your heart, without any preconceived ideas.
7. Once your child comes out to himself or herself, they will have to
come to grips with how to live an authentic life in our homophobic
society. This is the time your child really needs your support and your
love. One abandoned young man once told my husband and me, “How
is it that yesterday I was their golden boy, but when my parents found
out I was gay, they threw me out of the house.”
8. Parents go through a coming out process too. Be patient with yourself.
This isn’t an easy journey. Be open to learning. The world we live in
is a homophobic one, because of that your understanding of homosexuality
may be tinged with half-truths and misconceptions. Keep an
open mind and an empty cup.
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