8 Things Parents Need to Know When Their Child Comes Out

 

by Enid Jackowitz, MA, LMHC

1. Along with many other feelings you may be experiencing, there is usually

a huge loss of expectations. Like many parents, you may feel the

dreams you had for your child will never materialize. That may be

true, but given time, new ones will take their place. Give yourself permission

to acknowledge your feelings and to grieve for the loss of

your expectations.

2. Read a lot. To help you understand the process that many parents go

through read, The Rest of the Way: A Coming Out Story for Parents

and Gay Children. If you are having trouble resolving religious issues,

read Mel White’s book, Stranger at the Gate: To Be Gay and Christian

in America, The Good Book, by Peter Gomes, or one of Rev John

Shelby Spong’s books, especially Living in Sin?: A Bishop Rethinks

Human Sexuality and Rescuing the Bible from Fundamentalism: A

Bishop Rethinks the Meaning of Scripture. To answer questions you

may have about homosexuality, read Is it a Choice, by Eric Marcus.

These books will help you understand that:

Your son or daughter did not choose to be gay.

It is not your fault that your child is gay.

There’s nothing wrong with your child, but there is something

wrong with our homophobic society.

3. You may be having difficulty accepting your child’s sexual orientation,

that’s normal, but don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Remember you are still family and that will never change. Don’t let

your child’s coming out come between you. Let the love you have for

him or her be a bridge to a stronger, more loving relationship.

4. If your child wants you to “get over it” and be more accepting, let him

or her know that the same way it took time for them to become comfortable

with being gay, now you need time to work through your issues

as well. This isn’t easy for you. Ask for their patience.

5. There’s a saying that when kids come out of the closet their parents go

into the closet. If you are stuck in the closet find a support group or

find a good therapist. Don’t isolate yourself. Go to a PFLAG meeting

(Parents, Family, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). The parents at

PFLAG know what you’re going through. They went through it too.

They will answer many of your questions and concerns in a nonjudgmental

and confidential atmosphere.

6. Don’t let your child being gay be the unspoken elephant in the room.

Your child wants you to be part of his or her life. Don’t shut the door

to real communication. Try listening to your child with the ears of

your heart, without any preconceived ideas.

7. Once your child comes out to himself or herself, they will have to

come to grips with how to live an authentic life in our homophobic

society. This is the time your child really needs your support and your

love. One abandoned young man once told my husband and me, “How

is it that yesterday I was their golden boy, but when my parents found

out I was gay, they threw me out of the house.”

8. Parents go through a coming out process too. Be patient with yourself.

This isn’t an easy journey. Be open to learning. The world we live in

is a homophobic one, because of that your understanding of homosexuality

may be tinged with half-truths and misconceptions. Keep an

open mind and an empty cup.

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